A Letter to 17 Year Old Me

10 Aug


What’s up pal? It’s me, the 34 year old you! I was thinking about you the other day and I wanted to write this letter so you had an idea of what life is like in your next 17 years.. I’m not going to ruin anything but felt you would enjoy a glimpse of your future. Here…….we……go:

1) You are 17 right now and if memory serves me right you are doubting your ability on the diamond and whether or not you have what it takes to compete at the next level. Let me tell you that this doubt is what keeps you honest. It keeps you hungry to better yourself. This doubt pushes you to learn the mental side of the game. It’s not all roses but in the end it works out alright for you. Do yourself a favor and put extra special padding in your cup because in the year 2000 there are a lot of balls in the dirt that don’t hit your theigh!!!

2) While you have already made up your mind about going to Community College I will tell you that you do make it to a 4-year University that you’ll be VERY happy with. You meet a ton of great people that ultimately become some of your closest friendships. You struggle though some stuff but nothing that doesn’t prove to be a betterment for your life direction. You’ll set individual goals and again face doubt on whether or not it can be achieved. But, you find a way. Ohh and remember the phrase “Stealth Team.” College is a lot of fun thanks to Dogshow, Baby Elvis, The General and the man you’ll come to address as Dirtball. And Math doesn’t get any easier once you get to College…that shit is for assholes anyway!

3) College ends just as quick as it starts and it’s time to leave your mark on the real world. At this point you start to think about that whole “life’s direction” stuff and are unsure as to what path to take. Ultimately you take a job that enables you to learn and create your own niche. It’s not easy, you will be tested early on in your career so remember to breathe, relax and don’t take things personal. Step back and understand that it’s just work! Similar to college you meet a lot of people who also become very close to you and your wife. Did I just say wife?

4) Yup….you get married. Someone actually makes the sacrifice of dealing with your shit and decides that life’s journey is worth taking with you. Memories and experiences wouldn’t be the same without her! You’ll learn the phrase “happy wife = happy life” and ultimately become a better person for having her. Together you meet the most amazing human being who ultimately changes your life. This particular person steals your heart! Invest in a shotgun and a shovel…..

5) Life starts moving quicker in your 30’s. Early on (I think you are about 32) an unforseen medical emergency occurs that takes a deep emotiional toll on you that is hard to process. It will seem like your world is crashing down and you don’t know why. It’s VERY IMPORTANT that you keep calm, trust the professionals and “clear the mechanism.” Everything is OK. I can’t say sleeping gets better but you refine your instincts and learn from the experience…a defining moment for you moving forward.

6) You know how you always wanted to spread your view of the world around you to others? Well technology advances to the point where you can share with others in an instant. Humor will remain a daily part of your life and you find a unique way to express through writing. Your grammar doesn’t improve but who gives a shit!

That about sums it up! Stay true to yourself, trust what your parents have taught you and jump in! You are in for a pretty cool ride brother.



My Greatest Moment

5 Aug

If you had to pick just one what would it be? I’ll tell you mine:

Besides my wedding day (see what I did there?) my best moment occured in the matter of 20 minutes. Dressed in borrowed hospital scrubs a nurse told me to wait in a room just outside of where my wife was being prepped for c-section surgery. Other than a hospital orderly who was changing a bed pan (luckily just pee-pee and no poo-poo) I was in this room by myself. No nurses, no doctors…nobody. Just my thoughts. My thoughts then created a range of emotions. Nervousness, excitement, worry, happy, worry again and so on. Finally the doors swung open and a nice little nurse grabbed me by the hand and said “it’s time now.” She led me inside the operating room where the lights were bright and everyone seemed to be out of focus. (Very similar to the last scene in CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE 3rd KIND where the alien grabs Richard Dreyfus’ hand and leads him to to the spaceship). I sat down next to my wife, held her hand and waited to meet my dream.

The next 5-10 minutes were a fog. I was getting occasional updates from the anestesiologist who had no problem peering over the curtain. “They are making the first incision now!”, “Okay I can see the baby!”, “Do you want me to stop talking?” And so on. It was then that the P.O.S. OBYGN we had lifted, for just a split second, this black haired beauty over the divider curtain for us to see. My heart stopped. I had mentally prepared myself for this moment yet forgot everything once I saw her. The doctor’s motioned me over to a side table where they were wiping her down and I could hear her cries. Her cries made me cry and then some of the nurses cried and the doctor said “stop crying or you’ll make me cry!, etc., etc.. They swaddled her up her, handed her to me and it became clear that she was, is and will continue to be my greatest moment. Nothing compares.

To Do List: Find time on this gloomy day to set aside 5 minutes for yourself, close your eyes and recall your greatest moment. Take a deep breath, smile and attack the day!

Can You Relate?

24 Jul

You know what I’m talking about! As follows:

1) When you are waiting in the traffic line at a red light and a person from the right or left is trying to squeeze in/merge directly in front of you yet you try and avoid eye contact to which they ultimately prevail, squeeze in and you miss the green light because of them? In this situation it’s OK to grip the steering wheel, shake the shit out of it and scream “FUCKKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUU” inside of your car.

2) It’s Friday night. After 5 consecutive days of 5am wake up calls you look forward to sleeping in until 6:30am on Saturday. Just before bed you decide that a little taste of red gatorade sounds phenomenal. Not only does it quench your thirst but you replace lost electolytes (whatever the fuck those are) in your body. You close your eyes and go to sleep. At 4am the first feelings of a filling bladder fill the back of your mind yet it’s not enough to drag you from your slumber into the bathroom and you fall back asleep. At 4:45am peeing is imminent and you wish you had a diaper on yet you lay in bed for 15 more minutes cause you can’t believe you drank that gatorade before bed and wish this was just a dream. At 5am you get up, go to the bathroom and scream “FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK” in your head the entire time!

3) It’s 5:30am. You’re still tired from the 3am chucky hand on your face followed with “Daddy can I have a doughnut?” After brushing your teeth you turn the light off and walk back into the dark dungeon that is your bedroom to put on your shoes. You lose track of where your pinky toe is as it slams into the corner of the small couch in front of your bed. The pain shoots through your leg quicker then a hot sauce burrito thru your bowels on cinco de mayo. It hurts so bad. Your head immediately fills with “MOTHER FUCKER SHIT SON OF A BITCH” as the toe swells and fills with blood. You cry. You walk like you have a brick in your shoe. You cry again.

4) You’re at the grocery store. Not paying attention you choose the shortest line that just so happens to have an elderly women with a full cart in front you. Already born without patience you start eating candy bars that are adjacent to the check out stand to try and pass the time. You notice that while the items are being scanned the elderly women is not preparing herself to pay. The cart empties and the total is stated by the checker. The elderly women pauses and takes out coupons. The coupons are scanned and a new total is stated by the checker. Meanwhile you’ve just drank two red bulls and chewed a pack of gum. The elderly women pauses again and reaches into her purse to grab a CHECKBOOK!!! You begin screaming in your head “FUCKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUU” and your non-verbal hatred looks have become apparent. You sigh and begin eating frozen pizza rolls and speaking spanish as she writes out the date on her check.

5) You’re on the freeway on your way to sacramento. Just before you reach the altamont pass (Windmills) you ask your 3 1/2 year old if she has to pee because the next bathroom is 15 miles away. She says no. You proceed on when just after mile 5 she says “Daddy I have to pee!” You panic cause you know that the next bathroom is 10 miles away in Tracy. You drive faster yet it seems like the road is standing still. At mile 8 she says “Daddy I really have to pee!” People are driving like idiots in front of you because they should know that a 3 1/2 year old gorgeous beautiful human being in your car has to go potty. You drive faster. Every mile your head is filled with anxiety and the worst words known to man. At mile 12 she say’s “daddy hurry!” You drive like a man out of hell and will stop at nothing to find the closest bathroom even mentally telling yourself you’ll knock people out if they think they’re going first! You arrive at the bathroom and she say’s “I want mommy to take me!” You pass out.

6) It’s 12pm on the 2nd day of your Honeymoon. You’ve been in and out of the pool all day long since the 95 degree heat and humidity requires you to periodically cool off. Each time you step out of the pool you reapply sunscreen to your bald head, shoulders, face and chest. You’re drinking fruity drinks filled with rum and start making friends with randoms. You lose track of the last time you got out to reapply sunscreen and feel numb from the alcohol. Strangers are telling you look “really red.” You pay no attention until your wife say’s “you look really red.” You get out, go to the room and see that your shoulders resemble a lobster. You apply aloe lotion to your skin and fall asleep. You wake up to shoulders tighter then Joan Rivers face. The pain is terrible. You shout to the heaven’s “FUCKKKK YOU MR. SUN and FUCKKK YOU ALOE!!!” You beat your pillow with your head because the sun has frozen your arms. You now walk without moving your arms which looks weird. Locals call you the “bald zombie.” You quickly realize you hate Curacao.

7) It’s 12am. Your friend goes to the bar and returns with what appears to be shot glasses full of crown royale. You silently whisper to yourself “Fuck why!” You stare at it with disgust and pause. Time is ticking down until you need to make a decision on how you want to feel the next morning. You drink it. Your face cringes from the after taste. You jokingly tell your friend you hate him and that you hope he gets explosive diarrehea.

8) Your waiting in line at disneyland for a ride (doesn’t matter, all the same). You’re extremely close to the front and can smell the aroma of half eaten churro’s and drumsticks coming from the garbage cans. You inch closer and your next in line. All of sudden, as you are prepared to get on the ride, the staff stop you and usher on a family from the handicap line across the way that just showed up! Realizing that ADA is a priority you look for the noticeable handicap and come up with nothing. But then, from the shadows, a large man emerges with what appears to be a bandage on his eye. “What the Fuck?” you say outloud to which a mother next to you gives you a dirty look to which you then say to yourself “Fuck you lady!” All of this brought on by a perceived fake bandaid. “Fuck that guy!”

9) It’s 11pm and you just boarded a red-eye flight from San Jose to Newark, New Jeresy. A business woman sit’s in the middle and you strike up a conversation. A man (who we shall call Pig-Pen) shuffles over and sit’s in the window seat. He quickly falls asleep but his stench illuminates the aisle. The woman won’t shut up about it and you haven’t taken off for your 5.5 hour flight. She’s talking yet all you keep saying to yourself is “SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.” You tell her you’ll bit the bullet and switch seats. You spray air freshner on him while he’s sleeping. She falls alseep and slumps onto your arm mid-flight. You steal her peanuts and watch a terrible movie with Gerard Depardieu. This is your worst nightmare ever.

10) You receive a letter in the mail that resembles a traffic citation. You open it to find out that you were issued a citation for apparently running a red light in Scottsdale, Arizona. You immediately defend yourself saying “The fuck I did!!” You open further into the citation to photos of a man that resembles Charlie Brown with a goatee driving a white box. You quickly realize you look like Charlie Brown with a goatee and you rented a piece of shit box car. You send payment and write the check only after you use the bathroom and don’t wash your hands.

Promises to Avery

3 Jul

Commitments to my Daughter

1) As long as you want me to I promise to dress up with you on Halloween. But I’ll also stop when you want me too!

2) I promise to always listen with an open mind and support your decisions. (Except dating anyone at anytime especially if they are a dodgers fan!)

3) I  promise I will let you have the cold side of the pillow and the side closest to the fan.

4) I promise that your Silly Papa (Sr.) will buy you a car…he already made that commitment.

5) I promise to always make a big deal out of your birthdays.

6) I promise to find a way to make it to Disneyland every year.

7) I promise to be at every performance, school function and game that you are a part of…it meant the world to me and I know it will for you!

8) I promise to always take you to the movies.

9) I promise to help you with homework and steer you in the right direction…except for Math. For that we’ll get you a tutor!

10) I promise that if any boy hurts you I will find his father and kick him in the neck because hitting a minor is against the law and really frowned upon. If you don’t want me to fight I am witty and can in fact belittle upon request.

11) I promise that sometimes you aren’t going to like me but trust that my actions are in your best interest and safety. If you are upset scream at your mom.

12) I promise that every time you want to play “pretend” that I will…even if it means acting like we are jumping into a crocodile pit in front of some construction workers on their break!

13) I promise to always let your mom do your laundry…I tend to shrink my own clothes.

14) I promise to always make a big deal out of Christmas, Easter and the Tooth Fairy!

15) I promise to let you watch Goonies in a couple of years….I think right now Sloth might scare you!

16) I promise to always let you play in the back of my truck and honk the horn…especially if David (next door neighbor) is out front and looks hungover!

17) I promise to always have a dog.

18) I promise to always come pick you up no matter where you are or what time of the night.

19) I promise to always go swimming with you.

20) And I promise to always be the best daddy I can and love you and your mom forever!

Letter to the Owner of the Traveling Fair

14 Jun

To Whom this May Concern,

I recently visited one of your traveling fair’s in San Mateo, California and I felt it was necessary that I write this letter to identify how I think you can improve your fair for the enjoyment of paid visitors. Several ideas I had are as follows:

1) Fire every single person you currently have on staff! Including yourself. Yesterday I watched an employee of yours, who was overseeing the childrens train ride, take his bottom teeth out of his mouth and wash them in coke! The guy looked like a Garbage Pail Kid.

2) Restrategize recruiting away from Prison’s, Perimeter of Home Depot Parking Lots and Underpasses. Having a ticket taker at the Shrek ride with the words “OUTLAW” tattoo’d on his forehead is kind of scary for little kids…..and me.

3) Employ a Safety Consultant to Oversee Set-Up/Take-Down. The tracks holding up the children’s train ride were supported with wood shims and last weeks uneaten corndogs. One of the pins holding the Panda ride together looked like a hairbrush. Let’s aim for a 10 instead of a “Hey Jesse, I need some more of that earwax glue on the carousel!”

4) Refine the In-House Dining. Instead of “Deep Fried Chili” try Chili in a Breadbowl. Instead of “Spaghetti on a Stick” try normal spaghetti. Instead of “Mayonnaise in a Can” try anything else that doesn’t make you throw up in your mouth.

5) Encourage Sanitary Work Practices. Let your employees know that washing their hands, not picking their nose and wearing pants is OK. The pigs are for the 4H club…not running the roller coaster. This would also include using designated pee-pee and poo-poo facilities while partying in the traveling motel.

6) Identify a Corporate Dress Code. Some of your current employees were wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants. In fact, I’m pretty sure the woman working the “Go Fish” game was only wearing a bra! She was a sweetheart but those warlocks needed to be covered!

7) Install an Employee Incentive Program. The first person to brush their teeth, take a shower and not tell a little kid to “fuck off” get’s a free T-Shirt or rectal exam. Encouraging.

As previously mentioned these were just some of my ideas to help strengthen your inner core organization. If you decide not to install any of my recommendations then I hope you get diarrehea!



Bill and the Elephant

11 Jun

During a day trip thru the African bush Bill heard what sounded like Elephant Trumpeting coming from the nearby treeline. He had heard an elephant trumpeting before but this sounded like an animal in distress. He followed the sounds and came across a lrge bull elephant with it’s front right leg extended in the air with what appeared to be a large piece of wood penetrating the bottom. Bill quickly assessed the situation and realized that if he didn’t help this animal it might die. He gingerly approached the large beast and with a newborn mother’s precision gently removed the wood, as best he could, to allow the elephant relief. As soon as he completed he slowly backed away and watched as the elephant placed it’s leg back down to the ground. They then both stared at each other, man vs. beast, frozen in the wild. The big bull let out a thunderous roar, bowed his head and retreated into the bush. Bill was it’s savior….a moment he would never forget.

Twenty years later, while walking with his son at the Chicago Zoo, Bill ventured past the elephant enclosure when he noticed an older male lingering against the back wall. As they watched from the exterior their eyes met. The Elephant began to trumpet wildly and lift its front leg up and down as if to say “It’s me….It’s me!” Could it be the same Elephant that Bill helped twenty year’s ago? Without hesitation Bill crossed over the safety railing into the enclosure and approached the elephant. The large bull approached stopping every couple of feet to let out an excited roar. As they met in the middle of the enclosure Bill stuck his hand out as to say “Hi old friend” when the elephant wrapped it’s trunk around Bill’s waist, lifted him in the air and repeatedly slammed him to the ground….Killing him instantly. Turns out it wasn’t the same Elephant.

Moral of the Story: Don’t fuck with animals!

Home Depot Experiences

4 Jun

In the last several months I’ve visited Home Depot to purchase a wide range of home improvement items. Items like new plants for my front yard, specialty bulbs for my side sensor light and more recently some electrical components/panel for my service upgrade. Each and every time I enter that shitbox I’m impressed at the clientel to which Home Depot has decided to employ. What are the hiring requirements? Being able to breathe and blink? I would not classify myself, by any means, in the upper 1% on the intellect scale. I will, however, point out that “some” of the people working at the San Carlos home depot are not qualified to even pick gum up off the floor. The following are examples of some of my more recent interactions at the wonderful Home Depot (pronounced Depp-O)

The Dead Girl

Usually I try and use the self check-out aisle when I’m there but it was so backed up one day that I stood and waited in the normal “cashier on-duty” line. For whatever reason I was distracted by people watching (it’s like Monster’s Inc. in there on a Saturday) that I didn’t realize it was my turn. The guy in back of me had to tell me it was my turn so I moved forward to the podium and came face to face with “The Dead Girl.” (I nicknamed her this because she had the personality of a corpse). Our conversation went somewhat like this:

Me: “Hello, busy day in here huh?”
DG: “What? Hahahahaha”
Me: “I said it looks busy….everything in the basket is mine.”
DG: “Is everything in the basket your’s?”
Me: “Nope….it’s Casper’s!”
DG: Pause…….Pause………
Me: “Are you Ok?”
DG: “I slept like 45 minutes last night….I’m soooooo tired!”
Me: “Am I on hidden camera?”
DG: “What?”
Me: “Great…looks like I can pay now…..good luck!”

I think she may have been a little drunk and might have taken a minute nap while we were talking……on a scale of 1 to 10 I would rate her an idiot!

The Toupee Guy

First off I need to apologize for the following….this guy seems very nice and I think I put him in a position to fail which was not my intention. Anyway, there is a guy who I think only does “go-back’s” (or takes all the returns and put’s them back into inventory). He has a terrible TERRIBLE toupee that covers his whole head and I think (not confirmed) that the toupee has built in eyebrows. Regardless, as I was cruising through the hardware aisle looking for some screws I asked him where I could find the vent floor covers. This was a mistake. He looked at me like I just kicked him in the teeth. There was a long pause so I repeated myself. Nothing in return. He looked around a couple of times, stared back at me, looked around again, stared at me once last time and walked away. You’re probably saying to yourself “maybe he didn’t speak English!” This could very well be true but shouldn’t that be a prequisite to being hired? Did the interview go like this:

Supervisor: “So tell me about yourself? What do you think will make you a value to our team?”
Toupee: Pause……Blink…….Pause…..Fart….Pause
Supervisor: “Perfect…..welcome aboard! You can start immediately as our front door greeter!

If I offend anyone I apologize…..but WTF?

The Unknown

Yesterday afternoon I had a bunch of extra material left over from my recent electrical upgrade so I ventured off to the home depot zoo to return. I took my place in line and waited for another person to help the poor kid getting flooded by returns. I was 2nd in line when I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a man’s voice say “I can help you over here sir!” I didn’t turn around and instead just went in the direction to which the voice kind of carried over too. As I looked up I saw a woman’s back with a home depot smock on headed to the return register. When the woman turned around it had a black mustache, gold hoop earrings, red lipstick, pink nail polish and a nametag that said “Gerri” (I think). Obviously I was confused as all hell and I’m not the best at hiding my non-verbal communication. The return’s I had weren’t questioned and Gerri didn’t even ask for a receipt. I think I could have brought back a box of dead AAA batteries with the back taped and Gerri would have scanned and given me money. The scary part is that those same batteries would then get grabbed by “The Toupee” and placed back on the shelf for some poor shmuck to buy.

Did I mention Gerri had on a home depot fanny pack and acid washed jeans with a hole in the butt where you could see his thong? (I just threw up in my mouth)

To Do List: Apply at Home Depot. Go to the interview drunk and speak terrible spanish. Sing “Dead Giveaway” by Charles Ramsey and kick over the water cooler. Ask when I can start….